Wednesday, June 21, 2006


Who is Battle Axe? And Other FAQs

Recently there have been some questions as to who I am and how I became one of the most profoundly accurate 'rumour mongers' on the internet (check the record: 3 for 3).

So after spending almost 13 hours sifting through the emails, I have compiled a list of FAQs in order to answer your questions:

1) BBQs? Hockey? Rock solid rumours? Is this some sort of joke?

Let me assure you, this is no joke. What began with a chance encounter with 'Burnaby Joe' Sakic has quickly spiraled into an all-access pass into the seamy underbelly of the NHL rumour mill. I now have a rolodex full of contacts and insiders. I take my blackberry with me everywhere I go (my wife gets so mad when I reply to insider tips while we're being tender).

2) Who is Battle Axe?

If my bio didn't answer your question, allow me to elaborate. After graduating from college, I went on to write a very successful line of books (type the name Dr. BBQ into Amazon search). As a result, I am semi-retired, and am therefore able to spend most of my days hunting down grade-A gossip for my subscribers (I would thank you by name, but I'm pretty sure these posts have a maximum character limit).

3) How can it be that you're so accurate? The 'other' guys are so hit and miss!

3 for 3. I know. A lofty batting average. Unlike the 'others', I actually have insider contacts. Anybody can write some stuff in a blog and pass it off as juicy gossip. Only one can do it and be right all the time. He is I and I am him. Battle Axe.

4) Why do you charge so much for membership in the BBQBB?

This is a common question. $495.95 for a lifetime membership. Sounds like alot when you put it that way, doesn't it? But what if I put it to you like this? If you purchase the membership when you are twenty, by the time you reach 100 years of age, your membership will only have cost you 0.01698 cents per day. That doesn't seem like too much now, does it? You can't afford 0.01698 cents per day? Hell, even round that up to 0.017 cents. It's a bargain at twice the price!

5) Hey, what's going on with (insert player name here) ?

He's quietly being shopped around. Don't be surprised if he's shipped out West by the deadline for players and picks.

So there you have it folks. I hope that answered some of your questions. Keep on checking in, and insiders, check your inbox for some news on Roberto Luongo. He's already been traded. Twice. (bbq1)

Can I just say, one more time, that I wish I'd thought of this?
Yes, yes you may.
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