Friday, June 29, 2007
1 Year Later...The Free Agent Frenztacular
Definitely regret leading off the Free Agent Frenztacular with a Suck! update. This one doesn't even make sense. Also wish I didn't pay Suck up front for 75 cartoons. I have a feeling he's not exactly on an upwards trajectory...
I'll have some quick hit rumors for you in a little while.
Note to Mrs. Battle Axe...pick up a pizza and tell the kids they're adopted, it'll be a long night...
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Alright. I'm gonna level with you. Even I don't find this one to be funny. The words 'phoning it in' come to mind.
And I really don't have any evidence, but it's almost as if Suck! is using the same drawing and just changing the word bubbles a bit. I'm really going to have to consider whether or not I want Suck! to make the jump to V2.0 with us...
Friday, June 23, 2006
The Big One
To Vancouver: Luongo and an unnamed player...possibly a draft pick
To Florida: Bertuzzi, Auld and Allen
I hope this goes through quickly. I'm checking the major news sites, they don't even have a sniff of this yet. Crazy!
I also spoke with a close family member of Chris Pronger's this morning, and it seems as though he's unhappy with the bbq season in Edmonton. He's asking to be traded to a warmer climate more suited to his grilling habits. Do I smell a certain unhappy Florida goaltender coming to Edmonton?
Actually I do. Greasy Italians. (bbq3)
And since I'm really excited about my draft rundown, I'm offering you something special. If you sign up today for the one time, lifetime package, you can sign up a friend for 50% off the subscription fee. But this offer is only good until the draft tomorrow afternoon. Just a quick rundown of what you get when you subscribe:
-The BBQ Box, a chat room exclusively for subscribers.
- The BBQ Press Pass, a weekly forum where you can chat with hockey writers, and maybe even a player or two (the last chat had over 150 players taking questions).
- Battle Axe podcasts. That's right folks, you can hear the glorious music that is my voice. Each podcast is 30 minutes in length, and covers a wide variety of rumours, both hockey and bbq.
- 15% off everything in the hockeybbqbuzz store. Looking for that perfect bbq related hockey gift for that special someone? Why not buy it here?
- Suck! Cartoon updates.
- And of course, my insiders newsletter.
In related news, I've decided to drop my monthly subscription rate, as most (if not all) have opted for the lifetime subscription. Who could blame them.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Getting Nervous Eklund?
Here's an excerpt from his latest 'post':
.......Finally I want to thank everyone. Everyone at The NHL, The Oilers, The Canes (except Stillman...:)), The Hockey Writers, The Professional Hockey Writers Association, The Folks at XM, The fans (especially the BBQ gang who fed me) My readers, and My Family for blah blah blah blah....
Trying to horn in on my game, Ek? Come on man, have some self respect. I know you're feeling the pressure of not combining the magic that is bbq with hockey, but at least try to be subtle in your time of desperation.
From White Rock to Vancouver on $7,500
I am nine minutes into my sixteen minute journey from the sleepy seaside town of White Rock to the city of Vancouver, BC. Once we land, I'll check in with the boys from Sirius Sattelite Radio and give them a blow by blow of the red carpet activities. Is it worth it? Are you kidding me? To see the best hockey players in the world awkwardly gathering in rented tuxedos I'd do this trip twice. Maybe even three times. No...two times is about right.
This is the NHL awards show on a blogger's budget. It just so happens that when you're widely considered the best hockey/bbq blogger on the planet, you have more money than Jesus. For those of you in the lower mainland area of BC, look to the sky for a gold plated chopper. Missed it? Thought so. It's really fast.
But all the money in the world couldn't massage my sore back. Well I could use that money to buy a masseuse (the chopper comes with two), but this isn't about my back, or how many hours of sleep I'll get from now until the awards show is over. This is about life experience. This is about awards. And shows. And who knows how many more years we'll have either of those things.
As I left the house to climb into the chopper, my wife said to me, well, I couldn't hear what she said, but it looked like she was saying how she 'couldn't think of a better father's day present.' Which was a little weird considering that a week has passed since father's day, but I know what her eyes were telling me. They were telling me to write the best damn blog I knew how. I think we can all agree that this is probably amongst the best ever written.
It's funny how your ipod video can sum up a moment perfectly. I'm flying at mach 2 over Vancouver, leaving bald eagles in my wake, and my ipod is playing that awesome acoustic version of CrazyTown's "Butterfly" recorded by Susan Vega.... fierce nipple pierce you got me sprung with your tongue ring and I ain't gonna lie cause your loving gets me high.
You're damn right, CrazyTown.
Anyways, as you might know, the NHL awards are determined by the votes of the PHWA. What you might not know, is that the finalists for each award are actually just the top three vote-getters each year. By the time the finalists are announced, the winners are already known to an accounting firm (Ernst & Young), and....to me. So here now, free of charge, are the 05-06 winners (thanks to 'Murray' in the mailroom at E & Y):
Hart: Joe Thornton
Calder: Alexander Ovechkin
Norris: Nicklas Lidstrom
Vezina: Miika Kiprusoff
Adams: Lindy Ruff
Pearson: Jaromir Jagr
Selke, Lady Bing: Little known fact, the winners of these trophies are actually determined by alphabetical order (meaning Brind'amour and Datsyuk will win respectively).
I also talked to a contact close to the NHL head office, and he's hearing alot of rumbling that Joe Thornton will receive the Art Ross. So much, in fact, that I'm willing to stake my reputation on it. Pulling out the big guns.....(bbq4).
Enjoy the show tonight guys! And keep an eye out for me. I'll be in the tuxedo.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Heading Into Chat....
Brad Richards a Hab
I'm out to dinner right now, and I'm posting this from my blackberry, so fingers crossed that this works. Anyways, I just received this picture from a contact close to the Canadiens organization. What you see to the left is a candid snap of Brad Richards in a Habs apron and pot holder set, grilling on what appears to be Sterling 1104 series propane rig (rather entry level for a guy who just signed a huge contract). My source says he was traded to the Habs earlier this afternoon for several players, which may or may not include Zednik, Bonk and Ribeiro.
Regardless, the picture is irrefutable proof that Richards is a Hab (bbq4).
Thanks for understanding, guys.
New Feature: BBQ Buzz Cartoons by Suck!
HAHAHA! That is just a funny cartoon, regardless of context. That was the first of hopefully many cartoons by Suck! BBQ-related hockey cartoons seem to be a dying breed, but thankfully Suck! is here to lighten the mood when the rumour mill becomes a little too heavy. Hope you all enjoy. And insiders, I didn't forget you. You will be receiving Suck! updates days before I post them here. Plus, as a bonus, I'll send you some of the cartoons that were a little too 'blue' to be published. Wait until you see what Suck! has Chris Pronger doing with a charcoal briquette and a mountain goat. Hilarious!
Who is Battle Axe? And Other FAQs
So after spending almost 13 hours sifting through the emails, I have compiled a list of FAQs in order to answer your questions:
1) BBQs? Hockey? Rock solid rumours? Is this some sort of joke?
Let me assure you, this is no joke. What began with a chance encounter with 'Burnaby Joe' Sakic has quickly spiraled into an all-access pass into the seamy underbelly of the NHL rumour mill. I now have a rolodex full of contacts and insiders. I take my blackberry with me everywhere I go (my wife gets so mad when I reply to insider tips while we're being tender).
2) Who is Battle Axe?
If my bio didn't answer your question, allow me to elaborate. After graduating from college, I went on to write a very successful line of books (type the name Dr. BBQ into Amazon search). As a result, I am semi-retired, and am therefore able to spend most of my days hunting down grade-A gossip for my subscribers (I would thank you by name, but I'm pretty sure these posts have a maximum character limit).
3) How can it be that you're so accurate? The 'other' guys are so hit and miss!
3 for 3. I know. A lofty batting average. Unlike the 'others', I actually have insider contacts. Anybody can write some stuff in a blog and pass it off as juicy gossip. Only one can do it and be right all the time. He is I and I am him. Battle Axe.
4) Why do you charge so much for membership in the BBQBB?
This is a common question. $495.95 for a lifetime membership. Sounds like alot when you put it that way, doesn't it? But what if I put it to you like this? If you purchase the membership when you are twenty, by the time you reach 100 years of age, your membership will only have cost you 0.01698 cents per day. That doesn't seem like too much now, does it? You can't afford 0.01698 cents per day? Hell, even round that up to 0.017 cents. It's a bargain at twice the price!
5) Hey, what's going on with (insert player name here)
He's quietly being shopped around. Don't be surprised if he's shipped out West by the deadline for players and picks.
So there you have it folks. I hope that answered some of your questions. Keep on checking in, and insiders, check your inbox for some news on Roberto Luongo. He's already been traded. Twice. (bbq1)
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
BBQ Buzz Needs Your Help!
I am overwhelmed at the response I have recieved from you, the hockey community. But today, I come to you in a time of need. Since this site's inception, I have always believed that the information I receive should be shared free of charge. I have done my best to maintain this site on the salary of a bbq salesman, but the cost of maintenance is proving to be a little more than I can handle on my own.
Which is why I turn to you.
I have decided to create a new section to my site: 'The BBQ Buzz Brigade.' Or, as it shall be known, The BBQBB. By joining the BBQBB, you will recieve information found nowhere else on the internet. Up to the minute insider info on player transactions, spicy rumors, as well as bbq preferences.
For example: A little birdy whispered in my ear that Roberto Luongo prefers the even-heat cooking that a stainless steel grill provides. He will also be shipped to a Western Conference club for players and picks (bbq2).
Want more just like that? Join the BBQBB! I really think it will be beneficial for me and for you.
All I ask for in return for more juicy rumors than you can wrap your head around is $29.95/month, or a one-time, life-time donation of $495.95.
We Have a Winner!
Vigneault New Canucks Bench Boss?
Sakic Set to Re-Sign With Avs
(bbq1): Insider sold a bbq accessory to a stick boy.
(bbq2): Insider filled a propane tank for minor league callup.
(bbq3): Insider sold a bbq to a coach or player. Information is very credible.
(bbq4): This is guaranteed information. Insider sold, and possibly even delivered a bbq to a general manager.
Every piece of insider gossip I throw your way will be rated. Enjoy!